Longing for Home

I often find myself longing for home. By "home", I do not necessarily mean the United States, though I do miss many aspects of it. "Home" is also not referring to the last place I lived, which was with my parents, though there are also aspects of living there that I miss as well. By saying "home", I mean country.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a city gal. It would be too difficult for me to write about all the changes I've been through in the past year right now (moving to another country, leaving home and beloved pets, friends, family, church, etc.), though I might attempt it at some point. But out of all the changes I've endured, I think the most difficult has been trying to adapt to city life.

My love for country is partially rooted in my love for the outdoors. This goes back to my childhood. I was never a child who wanted to sit in front of the TV all day. I was content to play outside all day until mom called us (my brothers and I) in for dinner. We lived in a very small town with virtually no crime rate, so it was common for kids to play unsupervised as long as their parents knew where they were. How I wish all children could know this kind of bliss.

One of the things that has set my mind to thinking of the differences between city and country life is the fact that I am expecting a baby this summer. Like most people, I have long thought of how I'd want to raise my children and what sort of environment I'd like them to grow up in. Sadly, I had never envisioned raising a child in the city until now, and it frightens me. Every time I'm walking down the street and I have to step over a used condom, I think to myself, "Do I want my child exposed to this?". Thankfully I haven't encountered any used hypodermic needles on the sidewalks, but I hear that can be a problem in some areas of the city. I've witnessed a few drug deals on public transportation, and I've thought about what it would be like to have a child there with me, and how would I handle that situation. Would I do like everyone else on the bus and pretend it wasn't happening? Or if I want to go to the downtown shopping centre with my child, and we have to walk through a few clouds of marijuana smoke to get there (I've been through this a few times). Do I want that for my child? No, I don't. And what is it like to grow up in an apartment building where you don't know who your neighbors are? This is a new concept for me as well. I know that you can't protect your child from the evils of this world forever, but I want my child (or children) to have a time of innocence, a time when evil is not constantly visible at your front door. I don't think this is unreasonable.

I'm trying to prepare myself for parenthood with fear and trembling, because I know it is an awesome responsibility given to us by God Himself. I have to admit I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I am faced with raising a child in a foreign environment (I know nothing of how to raise a child in a big city), and I am both sad and fearful about it. Please pray for me.

/E.